Today is a day for examining what it is that makes you wonder what it is. This is what I've been thinking a lot about. It's hardly a day to pretend other than that.
Like, what if there's a moonfall event tomorrow?
Like, what if all the birds are more or less finished with flying?
Like, what's that word that's supposed to follow the word you've got stuck in your hand?
Like, how will we all cope now that the bees have gone and flown away to space?
Like, really are you satisfied with the way your beard smells?
Like, if dolphin telepathy is just a couple of years away from completion, what will Big Science do with its free time?
Like, are armies on the march because this battle is finished again and they are coming home or are they going somewhere new?
Like, Friday is just another way of avoiding Saturday for 24 more hours, right?
Like, arms get folded more often than we think but no one's really keeping score, are they?
Like, research research research. Is that all we'll ever read a book about?
But, honestly, let's be honest with ourselves. The pillow remains dry. The stairs keep going up and up. The neighbors have your dog hostage. Relax and live a little, am I right?
Yes, I am.
Forward and onward and upward. Blogging is impossible and for another day.
***
I answered questions about some books I like. I typed "Holy Smokes" twice.
***
I'll be reading in Portland on November 22 with Daniel Bailey and Bryan Coffelt. I think it's with this store, Ampersand, but it might actually occur at a nearby coffee house. When I know more, I will tell you more.
***
Shane Jones's new book, The Failure Six, is very good. I have read about four of the failures. I am up to number five. You should buy The Failure Six. And you should read it in a room with a cat watching you read it.
Song for The Failure Six:
***
Brother Blake has a story here. It's one of my favorites of his.
Someone told me about visiting a museum in Russia that had a room full of jarred still-born fetuses. Someone had sewed tiny lace ruffles around their wrists, and tiny lace collars on their necks.
***
Frickin' Burch is frickin' awesome.
Showing posts with label aaron burch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aaron burch. Show all posts
Monday, November 02, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Picnic
I thought maybe that because of the bad economy and the high unemployment rate here in the nation of the United States of America, it would be good for me to take a week or maybe two out of my nonstop schedule of entertaining in blog form—or, my nonstop schedule of attempting to but never really being able to entertain readers with a blog here on the internet—to instead use my nationally accessible forum to help out with the education of the people who are reading this and might also be unemployed.
Isn't that nice? Isn't it nice of me? I think sometimes that I am nice.
Anyway.
So I thought I could maybe use this blog post to highlight a possible career for those that are unemployed and maybe looking to find for themselves some kind of gainful and satisfactory employment opportunities.
Let's start by looking at a picture of this man:
This man has a job. This man is a Regional Picnic Endorser. That is his title. That is what he does for a living. He lives in a region—the Pacific Northwest—and he attends many picnics in this region. He attends the picnics and evaluates them by following a six point rubric. He rates the picnic according to the rubric. And then, if the picnic scores a certain number of the six possible points, he endorses the picnic. And he endorses it by appearing in photographs making the "thumbs up" gesture.
This is his job. He is paid very well to do this job. He has benefits. And not just regular benefits. He has HEALTH benefits, which are, I think you know, some of the best kinds of benefits to get. People really covet health benefits.
He gets them because of his Regional Picnic Endorser position.
I interviewed him.
How did you get your job?
I sort of fell into it. I was at a park on a Saturday taking some photos and I saw a picnic. The folks who were putting on the picnic were very friendly and they gave me a hotdog with mustard. It was a nice stone ground honey mustard. I ate the hotdog and enjoyed it, and I gave the host the "thumbs up."
A man who was attending the picnic approached me and asked me to make the "thumbs up" sign again. I did so. He told me I was a natural. He gave me his business card and told me to call him Monday about a job. I was hesitant, but then he told me about the health benefits.
How long have you been doing this job?
Six years now. It's the longest I've ever held any job. I love it. So many hotdogs!
Tell me about the rubric. What are the six things a picnic must have to get the full six points?
I'm sorry, but I am not allowed to tell you. The six points are a closely guarded secret of our agency. If I told you, then everyone who was hosting a picnic would follow the six points specifically, but not try to innovate. It is important that Americans continue to innovate and shift the picnic paradigm internationally. We must remain Exceptionalists, re: picnics. We can't fall behind the Chinese or, say, the Brazilians.
How can someone get a job endorsing regional picnics?
You can stumble into it, like I did. Or you can go to your local government website. There are usually positions open, even if they are not listed. If you don't see one on the government jobs site, I would suggest calling Parks and Recreation directly and asking. Often, the person who answers the phone will pretend like the job doesn't exist. This is a test. Keep pressing them and eventually they will say, "Congratulations! Your persistence has earned you an interview!"
How many hotdogs have you eaten?
Many, my friend. Many.
Thank you for your time.
Thank you.
***
Blake Butler's Scorch Atlas is available for pre-order. Get in on dat shit.
DESTROYED!
***
Readings scheduled:
Pilot Books on July 30 with Brandon Scott Gorrell.
Literary Death Match in Seattle, Jewelbox Theater, The Rendezvous, August 13. Facing Ryan Boudinot, Matt Briggs, and Peter Gajdics.
Also, come see Amelia Gray, Evelyn Hampton, and Lotte Kestner at Neptune Coffee in Greenwood on August 3, 7pm.
Also, come see Mary Miller and Jonathan Evison at The College Inn Pub, August 5 at 7pm. Aaron Burch will be there, too, to read from the brand spanking new issue of Hobart!
Isn't that nice? Isn't it nice of me? I think sometimes that I am nice.
Anyway.
So I thought I could maybe use this blog post to highlight a possible career for those that are unemployed and maybe looking to find for themselves some kind of gainful and satisfactory employment opportunities.
Let's start by looking at a picture of this man:
This man has a job. This man is a Regional Picnic Endorser. That is his title. That is what he does for a living. He lives in a region—the Pacific Northwest—and he attends many picnics in this region. He attends the picnics and evaluates them by following a six point rubric. He rates the picnic according to the rubric. And then, if the picnic scores a certain number of the six possible points, he endorses the picnic. And he endorses it by appearing in photographs making the "thumbs up" gesture.
This is his job. He is paid very well to do this job. He has benefits. And not just regular benefits. He has HEALTH benefits, which are, I think you know, some of the best kinds of benefits to get. People really covet health benefits.
He gets them because of his Regional Picnic Endorser position.
I interviewed him.
How did you get your job?
I sort of fell into it. I was at a park on a Saturday taking some photos and I saw a picnic. The folks who were putting on the picnic were very friendly and they gave me a hotdog with mustard. It was a nice stone ground honey mustard. I ate the hotdog and enjoyed it, and I gave the host the "thumbs up."
A man who was attending the picnic approached me and asked me to make the "thumbs up" sign again. I did so. He told me I was a natural. He gave me his business card and told me to call him Monday about a job. I was hesitant, but then he told me about the health benefits.
How long have you been doing this job?
Six years now. It's the longest I've ever held any job. I love it. So many hotdogs!
Tell me about the rubric. What are the six things a picnic must have to get the full six points?
I'm sorry, but I am not allowed to tell you. The six points are a closely guarded secret of our agency. If I told you, then everyone who was hosting a picnic would follow the six points specifically, but not try to innovate. It is important that Americans continue to innovate and shift the picnic paradigm internationally. We must remain Exceptionalists, re: picnics. We can't fall behind the Chinese or, say, the Brazilians.
How can someone get a job endorsing regional picnics?
You can stumble into it, like I did. Or you can go to your local government website. There are usually positions open, even if they are not listed. If you don't see one on the government jobs site, I would suggest calling Parks and Recreation directly and asking. Often, the person who answers the phone will pretend like the job doesn't exist. This is a test. Keep pressing them and eventually they will say, "Congratulations! Your persistence has earned you an interview!"
How many hotdogs have you eaten?
Many, my friend. Many.
Thank you for your time.
Thank you.
***
Blake Butler's Scorch Atlas is available for pre-order. Get in on dat shit.
DESTROYED!
Scorch Atlas (destroyed) by Blake Butler from featherproof books on Vimeo.
***
Readings scheduled:
Pilot Books on July 30 with Brandon Scott Gorrell.
Literary Death Match in Seattle, Jewelbox Theater, The Rendezvous, August 13. Facing Ryan Boudinot, Matt Briggs, and Peter Gajdics.
Also, come see Amelia Gray, Evelyn Hampton, and Lotte Kestner at Neptune Coffee in Greenwood on August 3, 7pm.
Also, come see Mary Miller and Jonathan Evison at The College Inn Pub, August 5 at 7pm. Aaron Burch will be there, too, to read from the brand spanking new issue of Hobart!
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