Tao

Tao Lin came to visit and read from his books in front of audiences at bookstores. Matthew Simmons was there.

Matthew Simmons picked Tao Lin up at the airport, even though a bookstore had sent a limo to pick him up. Matthew Simmons found the limo driver and he said, "Follow me," to the limo driver, and the driver followed into a dark airport hallway, where Matthew Simmons grabbed the limo driver by his ear and yanked really, really hard. He yanked the limo driver into a wall. The limo driver collapsed.

Matthew Simmons found Tao Lin after Tao Lin got off his plane, and Matthew Simmons said, "Hey, look, that guy has Ben Kunkel's book. Go tell him you are Marco Roth, and tell him you want to sign his book."

Tao Lin didn't want to do it, but Matthew Simmons smacked Tao Lin on the back of the head and said, "You're in Seattle and will do as I say! My city! Mine!"

So Tao Lin did it, but the man didn't believe that Tao Lin was Marco Roth at all, but just some guy pretending to be Marco Roth. He told Tao Lin to leave him alone. Tao Lin apologized, and Matthew Simmons laughed liked a hyena. (Exactly like a hyena, too. That was not a cliche. Matthew Simmons has perfected the art of hyena impersonation.)

Matthew Simmons drove Tao Lin to the bookstore, but he couldn't remember where it was, and didn't really want to go. Instead he drove to a water park where he made Tao Lin go down all the slides, even though Tao Lin didn't have a swimsuit. Tao Lin went on the water slides and asked when he would be taken to the bookstore to read. "Later," said Matthew Simmons.

Later, Matthew Simmons drove Tao Lin around, and forced him to listen to Bachman Turner Overdrive very loud. "It's BTO!" said Matthew Simmons. "Don't you like BTO? Why are your fingers in your ears?"

Soon it was dark and Tao Lin had missed his reading. Matthew Simmons took Tao Lin to his apartment. Tao Lin had a nice hotel room waiting for him, one with a sauna and a full mini-fridge filled with raw, organic, vegan food and beer. Matthew Simmons told Tao Lin the room had been canceled, and that he would be staying on the couch in Matthew Simmons' apartment.

Tao Lin said this would be fine, as long as Matthew Simmons did not have a cat, as Tao Lin is very allergic to cats.

Matthew Simmons has a cat.

Tao Lin was very hungry but Matthew Simmons only let him eat a banana. Matthew Simmons ate a hearty, warm goat cheese salad and tomato soup. Tao Lin finished his banana and threw the peel to the birds.

Matthew Simmons drank nine beers in a row, and started shouting into the phone.

Tao Lin tried to sleep, but he was sneezing a lot because Matthew Simmons has never dusted or swept his apartment.

Matthew Simmons passed out while shouting into the phone, and Tao Lin tried to sleep.

When Tao Lin finally fell asleep, Matthew Simmons snuck up to him and held his cat over Tao Lin's sleeping body. Matthew Simmons shook his cat, and cat dander snowed from the cat all over Tao Lin. Matthew Simmons took his cat to Tao Lin's bag, and he rubbed the cat all over Tao Lin's only change of pants and extra book tour shirts.

Matthew Simmons laughed loud, and Tao Lin woke up. But it was dark, and Tao Lin didn't catch Matthew Simmons.

In the morning, Matthew Simmons listened to more Bachman Turner Overdrive to "help me wake my ass up," and told Tao Lin he would have to leave. He pointed in the general direction of the nearest bus stop

Tao Lin walked in the direction of the nearest bus stop.

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Illustration for this post by Tao Lin. Tao is the author of three incredibly wonderful, weird, messy, funny, sad, wild, imperfect/completely perfect, beautiful books. That is to say, Tao has made some really interesting art.

Buy them. If you don't like them, write (happy dot cobra at earthlink dot net) and we'll discuss them. I really think you'll like them. And think I can tell you why I like them. And infect your reading of them, making you decided that you like them, too.

My impression is: you will like them without my speaking on their behalf.

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