Apple

Matthew Simmons continues his interview with The Man Who Couldn't Blog:

So, any dietary restrictions?

I am, for the most part, omnivorous. I do have one edible item I prohibit. I don't even want them in my home.

It's the apple. I refuse on moral and patriotic grounds to eat apples.

Sure, you are probably saying, "Isn't the apple the most patriotic of all fruits?" Because that's what you are taught to believe. In schools. "As American as apple pie," is a thing people will say to you, for example. This is a terrible, un-American lie.

I'm not the first to point out that Johnny Appleseed, who went around the country scattering the seeds of an invasive species, was essentially an early bio-terrorist. But people seem to stop their analysis of the history of this man there. What about digging deeper?

I have.

Did you know the apple has its roots in Kazakhstan. Appleseed was around in the late 18th and early 19th century. When he was born, Kazakhstan was still a khanate. It, at that point, was on its way out, though. The Russian empire was approaching. It had to plan for its future somewhere else.

So, Appleseed scatters apples everywhere. People eat apples. People enjoy apples. People decide that the apple is, symbolically speaking, "American."

But it's not. It's from Kazakhstan.

You know what else is from Kazakhstan? The settlers who came to the new world and called themselves the Chapman family. The boy John Chapman. Johnny "Appleseed" Chapman.

I happen to believe that the apple was introduced to this country as a way of "familiarizing" us with the traditional fare of Kazakhstan. It's a political tool. A socializing tool.

The Kazakhs are coming. Are already here. They are taking over on the sly. Johnny Appleseed was the opening gambit in the building of a North American outpost of the Kazakhstani empire. Seriously.

That's an interesting theory. Are you crazy?

Some people seem to think so. But I have genealogy charts at home that I think prove all of this definitively.

There's more, too. The adage "An apple a day keeps the doctor away," is a part of this conspiracy. Medical school is a training ground for sleeper cells, for agents of the conspiracy. (I also refuse to go see doctors.) They push the pro-apple, pro-United States of Kazakhstan agenda.

This is what I believe. Researching all this information has taken its toll on me. I have no time for a social life. Not time for exercise. No time for blogging.

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If you are from The Elegant Variation, hello.

Please enjoy some Brainiac.